Is There a Covert Narcissist in Your Life? 13 Things Therapists Say to Watch For

Narcissism is a term that gets thrown around a lot, but true narcissistic personality disorder (NPD)—including covert narcissism—is actually quite rare.

“This personality disorder happens within 0.05% to 1% of the population,” explains Beena Persaud, PsyD, Chief Psychologist at Cleveland Clinic Akron General. “So while there are narcissists out there, some people just have narcissistic traits, some have no relational experience, and some are just not good people.” 

Still, it can be tough to spot narcissism—especially a covert narcissist. As the name suggests, covert narcissists tend to hide their traits and may even appear very empathic, Dr. Persaud says.

What is narcissistic personality disorder?

To understand covert narcissism, it’s helpful to understand how experts recognize and diagnose broader narcissistic personality disorder. 

“What is important to know about NPD—and all other mental health diagnoses—is that they are a collection of symptoms or characteristics, rather than a single trait or behavior,” says Alice Connors-Kellgren, PhD, clinical psychologist and Director of the Developmental Trauma Clinic at Tufts Medical Center. 

She explains that to be diagnosed with NPD, someone must have at least five characteristics from the following:

• An exaggerated sense of self-importance
• Fantasies of great success, power, attractiveness, beauty, or ideal love
• Believing themselves to be special and only able to be understood by others who are special
• Needing constant admiration and praise
• Expecting special treatment due to perceived superiority
• Exaggerating achievements and talents
• Reacting negatively to criticism
• Being preoccupied with fantasies about power, success, and beauty
• Taking advantage of others

“These characteristics come from a profound sense of insecurity and even self-hatred, which is another distinction between people who have NPD and people who have a trait or other mental health diagnoses sometimes associated with the casual use of the word narcissism,” she says. 

“Additionally, NPD is characterized by grandiosity, a lack of empathy for other people, and a need for admiration, which typically don’t underlie basic selfishness or high confidence in people without narcissism.”

What is a covert narcissist?

“We often think about narcissists as being aggressively self-centered,” Dr. Connors-Kellgren says. “In covert narcissism, however, the traits of NPD tend to be hidden by social anxiety, introversion, and internalized self-importance.” So, people with more overt narcissism and people with covert narcissism have the same traits, but they are expressed differently.

“Most of the time, these individuals do not appear grandiose or exploitative and may try to appear very empathetic,” explains Dr. Persaud. 

“At first, covert narcissists appear genuine and compassionate, which helps to draw people to them,” she says. “However, this can then lead to a shift in ‘personality’ in which the person starts using subtle emotional manipulation like gaslighting and passive aggressiveness to make them look superior in the situation.” 

Covert narcissist vs. overt narcissist: What’s the difference?

The main distinction between types of narcissists is how they experience grandiosity, a core feature of narcissistic personality disorder.

Narcissists who are more overt, or grandiose, come across as feeling entitled and self-centered, according to psychologist Deidre Pereira, PhD, ABPP, a board-certified specialist in clinical psychology and a fellow of the American Academy of Clinical Health Psychology. These are the stereotypical narcissists.

Covert narcissists are or present as more vulnerable than other types of narcissists.

“The covert narcissist has the broad narcissistic traits of being arrogant and self-involved while also being defensive, hostile, hypersensitive to criticism, anxious, and moody or bitter,” Dr. Pereira says. “Compared to the overt narcissist, they may come across as highly sensitive, introverted, anxious, depressed, envious, and/or lacking in confidence and self-esteem.”

Covert narcissism vs. narcissistic personality disorder

People could have a narcissistic personality that is both grandiose and vulnerable. That’s why some experts don’t like to differentiate between different “types” or “categories” of narcissism.

Kenneth Levy, PhD, Director of the Laboratory for Personality, Psychopathology, and Psychotherapy Research at The Pennsylvania State University, says overt and covert narcissists are two sides of the same coin. “It’s important to recognize that all grandiose narcissists have vulnerable moments, and the vulnerable narcissists often have grandiose moments,” Dr. Levy says.

Both overt and covert narcissists can meet the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder; they may just differ in how they manifest it, Dr. Pereira explains. That’s why it’s important to know how to recognize a covert narcissist.

Common covert narcissist traits

Covert narcissists are prone to experiencing shame and may respond to perceived slights by attacking and showing vindictiveness or passive-aggressiveness. They are also especially preoccupied with feelings of inadequacy.

Ramani Durvasula, a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in Santa Monica, California, whose work focuses on the impact of narcissism, adds that they may be sullen, resentful, and argumentative too.

What causes covert narcissism?

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Covert narcissism and narcissism in general are thought to result from childhood trauma, so it is more nurture-based, Dr. Persaud says. 

“This can be from neglect, abuse, inconsistent or non-existent attachment styles, and basically anything that damages a child’s sense of worth,” she explains. “When these traumas occur, kids develop, sometimes, unhealthy coping mechanisms or learn how to be manipulative to meet their emotional needs—they are basically doing whatever they can to protect themselves from any perceived threats.”

Attachment wounds are another trigger, adds Dr. Connors-Kellgren. “Attachment wounds might include chronic feelings of being misunderstood by caregivers during childhood, emotional neglect, or a focus on one’s value being solely determined by status and achievement.”

Dr. Persaud says that nature (genetics) can also play a part, like if someone is predisposed to a greater risk of other mental health issues that lead to unhealthy coping skill development. 

How to recognize a covert narcissist

Clinical psychologist and personality researcher Joshua Miller, PhD, doesn’t think there are easy ways to recognize a covert narcissist, especially because vulnerable narcissism is on the subtle side. In fact, Dr. Levy says covert narcissists are probably harder to spot than grandiose narcissists because of their subtlety.

Although there is still a sense of entitlement and self-importance, it appears to a lesser degree and in a different way than it does in overt narcissists, Dr. Miller explains.

Covert narcissists may have other mental health issues

One thing that makes covert narcissists so much harder to spot than overt ones is the fact that this type of narcissism can overlap with other personality or mental health disorders.

“If you score high on vulnerable narcissism, you tend to endure psychopathology of every kind like anxiety, depression, panic, and substance abuse,” Dr. Miller says. “So it is going to be hard to recognize because it does, in fact, seem to be just this global tendency toward intense negative emotion.”

These negative mood states or depressive reactions occur mostly when life doesn’t go their way, which is often, according to Durvasula. However, a covert narcissist is likely to try and hide their struggles with depression and anxiety, says Dr. Connors-Kellgren. 

Covert narcissists have a “woe is me” mentality

One of the main things that every expert agrees on is that covert narcissists feel disproportionately mistreated and have an overexaggerated sense of suffering. Their sense of self-importance comes from the idea that they deserve more, or special treatment, because of their distress or because of bad treatment from other people, Dr. Miller explains.

These feelings come from a place of lacking, Dr. Miller says. Another way to think about it is as entitled victimization, Durvasula says.

“[It’s] feeling inadequate or feeling insufficient, and at the same time feeling sort of resentful toward others and feeling like you’re not getting your fair share or due in the world,” Dr. Miller says.

It’s always only about their suffering

Covert narcissists lack the recognition that lots of people have difficult times.

“There’s this sense that their situation is unique and special, despite the fact that, from an objective perspective, we might realize that [all] people experience difficult situations,” Dr. Levy says. 

This sense is tied to the “victim mentality” often demonstrated by covert narcissists. “[They can] act as if they are the ones being wronged in the situation, possibly even defying boundaries that are set,” says Dr. Persaud.  

Covert narcissists believe people are out to get them

People who are vulnerable or covert narcissists have low-grade paranoia, according to Durvasula. They feel that people are out to get them and that everybody has bad motives or is trying to take advantage of them.

They even externalize blame, believing others are responsible for the situations they are in, Dr. Levy says.

It doesn’t help that they are also highly sensitive and reactive to what other people think.

They don’t have long-term relationships

Covert narcissists may have trouble forming long-term intimate reciprocal relations with others because of their own neediness. That’s because the narcissist directs so many of their resources toward their own distress and their own need to feel better, according to Dr. Miller.

“They make it hard to also care sufficiently for others because they feel like they have not been cared for sufficiently,” he adds.

And it’s hard to form long-lasting relationships if your go-to move is to withdraw from people when angry, Dr. Levy explains.

Covert narcissists manipulate relationships

It’s extremely stressful to be in a relationship with someone affected by any form of narcissism, according to Dr. Pereira. Especially because they are prone to gaslighting.

“With a covert narcissist, you may end up feeling devalued, manipulated, ‘less than,’ angry, sad, and anxious,” she says. “These are signs that it may be helpful for you to talk to a licensed mental health provider to find ways of managing these feelings and learning ways of setting healthy limits and boundaries.”

Another trademark: pushing for pity and guilt. You may even feel compelled to help them. But people often find that no matter how they try to help, it’s never enough, says Durvasula.

They use emotional neglect as a tool

“Emotional neglect is both a cause of and a behavior characteristic of narcissism,” Dr. Connors-Kellgren says. “Emotional neglect occurs when someone’s feelings are ignored, minimized, or invalidated in a relationship or family.”

Covert narcissists may have experienced emotional neglect in childhood, which makes it difficult for them to empathize with others. “This lack of empathy causes them to then emotionally neglect their own partners, friends, family members, and children,” she explains.

Emotional neglect can look like:

• Subtle, passive criticism of someone’s emotional experience
• Gaslighting 
• Manipulation tactics such as the “silent treatment”
• Insincerity in response to emotional expression

Covert narcissists turn to blaming and shaming

Blaming and shaming are two negative behaviors that a person with covert narcissism would portray, Dr. Persaud says. They tend to be highly sensitive to criticism and can become defensive when they feel criticized—which often results in blaming and shaming. 

“Blaming is more about assigning responsibility for a negative outcome and shifting the attention away from them,” she explains. “Shaming is done to purposefully make someone feel inadequate, worthless, or embarrassed due to a negative outcome.” 

They exhibit passive self-importance

“Grandiosity” is a typical trait of NPD, which often comes across as an exaggerated sense of self-importance and need for admiration. But with covert narcissists, “they may hide how focused they are on their own self-importance,” Dr. Persaud says.

Instead, “passive self-importance describes a phenomenon wherein people crave importance and admiration but seek it in more subtle, passive ways,” explains Dr. Connors-Kellgren. “This might include using self-deprecatory language to elicit compliments or reassurance of their worth from others.” They might also go above and beyond to help others—but only in an effort to seek praise for how good they are, Dr. Persaud adds. 

They’ll give only to get something in return

The “giving with the expectation of something in return”-type behaviors are usually a trait of covert narcissism, explains Dr. Persaud. “This usually occurs when gifts or favors are given, and then guilt is put on the recipient to reciprocate something,” she says. 

However, some people without NPD simply just act this way out of selfishness—what defines it as a part of covert narcissism is whether there is a pattern of other behaviors and signs of narcissism. 

Covert narcissists hook you with love bombing

Giving to get something in return is tied to another trait of covert narcissists: love bombing. 

This is usually something that occurs at the start of a relationship, Dr. Persaud explains. A covert narcissist may give someone a lot of initial attention, compassion, and gifts to build them up—and then guilt or devalue them when they are attached to the narcissist. Love bombing is often associated with romantic relationships, but it can turn up in friend and family relationships, too. 

“However, one can not assume love-bombing is narcissistic without seeing a pattern or behaviors and other signs of narcissism,” she says. It could be associated with someone’s insecurities, for example, not necessarily NPD. 

They may attempt to isolate you

“The devaluation of a person or separating them from friends and family can also occur,” Dr. Peraud says. This is a controlling tactic to bring down someone’s self-worth—so they’ll grow more attached to the narcissist. 

But with covert narcissism, this isolation can play out subtly. They’re unlikely to flat-out ask or tell you to stop seeing a friend or family member but may use micromanipulation tactics, such as:

• Sowing seeds of doubt by questioning your friend’s or family’s behaviors
• Suggesting that they’re personally being mistreated by your friends or family
• Regularly interrupting your plans with others, insisting you prioritize their “crisis” or problems (and guilt-tripping you if you don’t come to their aid)
• Undermining entire relationships based on one-off interactions, like if you have a disagreement with a relative
• Over-emphasizing the “bond” you share

Phrases covert narcissists say

Here are some examples of things a covert narcissist may say, according to the experts.

• “Must be nice that your daddy paid for your tuition. If someone did all of that for me, I would be making millions of dollars.”
• “I am too smart for this place. I can’t believe I have to be slumming like this.”
• “Being in a relationship just leaves you open to manipulation. I’m glad I am single.”
• “I know I deserve all good things, and I am going to manifest it. Even though everybody is out to stop me, I will show them.”
• “Nobody appreciates me. I do so much for everyone, and when it’s my turn, everybody lets me down.”
• “I deserve a lot because I haven’t gotten my share in the past.”
• “No one has suffered as much as I have.”
• “I could have been one of the great ones, but nobody ever had my back.”

How to deal with covert narcissists

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It’s not easy dealing with any kind of narcissist, including a covert narcissist. But there are some things you can do if you have any kind of relationship with someone who exhibits these traits.

Evaluate the relationship

Dr. Pereira recommends asking yourself some questions to evaluate the relationship. Consider:

• What are my priorities?
• What are the current power dynamics in the relationship?
• How important is this relationship to me?
• What are the other person’s current interpersonal skills and capabilities?
• What are my short- and long-term goals in this relationship?

“The answers to these questions will help you decide how to address any conflicts or issues with the person affected by covert narcissism,” Dr. Pereira says.

For instance, if the covert narcissist is your employee versus your employer, your approach will be different.

Accept the reality

Durvasula offers the same advice for anyone managing any kind of narcissistic personality in their lives: set realistic expectations. “They are not going to be empathic or nice or accommodating, so be ready for that,” she says.

And with realistic expectations must come radical acceptance too. “This pattern is rigid and resistant to change, so recognize it is not going to change,” Durvasula says. 

Establish and stick to boundaries

Be prepared that anything you do will not be reciprocated and will likely be criticized. 

Still, because covert narcissists can come across as genuine and compassionate at first, it can be easy to get drawn in—even as subtle emotional manipulation shifts emerge. “This can cause self-doubt, self-blaming, and even depression and anxiety in those around them because the recipient feels as if they are constantly walking on eggshells,” Dr. Persaud says. 

“And if you give an inch, they will take a victimized mile,” Durvasula says. “So set [boundaries] and stick to them.” Remember that it’s not uncharacteristic for covert narcissists to push or even totally disrespect boundaries. But it’s important to not accommodate this boundary-pushing—and recognize when it might be time to leave an unhealthy relationship. 

Consider saving your breath

“Don’t defend yourself when you talk to them, because they aren’t listening and don’t really care about what you are saying,” Durvasula says.

Stick to simple responses, and don’t overexplain yourself. “It will just devolve into a maddening and manipulative conversation,” she says.

Interacting with a narcissist is a tough line to walk for the average person, as well as therapists, according to Dr. Levy. “You want to empathize with their perspective at some level, but you don’t want to do it to a degree where you are actually reinforcing distortions in their perspective,” he says.

The covert narcissist may find the sympathy or empathy they receive insufficient. And even if you sympathize, there’s often a part of them that doesn’t believe you really mean it, Dr. Levy says.

Try these strategies for communication

If you attempt to engage with a covert narcissist, consider Dr. Pereira’s strategies for effective communication. She calls the first the DEAR MAN strategy.

• Describe the situation factually.
• Express your feelings and perceptions about the situation.
• Assert yourself by asking for what you want or by saying no.
• Reinforce or reward by explaining the positive effects of getting what you want or need and the negative effects of not getting what you want or need.
• Stay mindful. Focus on your goals. Ignore distractions, including threats or attacks.
• Appear confident and effective.
• Negotiate and offer alternatives.

Dr. Pereira suggests using the GIVE strategies when you need to maintain a difficult relationship:

• Be gentle and courteous.
• Act interested and really listen to the other person.
• Validate where the other person is coming from.
• Use an easy manner when you communicate. Smile and use humor.

Protect yourself

Limiting your exposure to the narcissist is ideal, according to Dr. Miller.

“The best thing is to protect yourself to some degree, even if you have empathy for grandiose, vulnerable, or people who have shades of both [narcissism],” he says. “Protect yourself first before you try to help someone else and judge if you’re in the position to do so.”

You have to make sure that you are in a place to interact with the covert narcissist. You don’t want to be vulnerable to being harmed or hurt emotionally. (Just be aware that if you do choose to end your relationship, be prepared for how experts say a narcissist might react.) 

Encouraging therapy and treatment for the covert narcissist is also a good idea. It may help reduce their negative emotions and improve their sense of well-being, so some of that intense self-focus may go away, Dr. Miller says. “Getting treatment for those issues may well bring some relief to the person but also to those in their circle,” he says.

For daily wellness updates, subscribe to The Healthy by Reader’s Digest newsletter and follow The Healthy on Facebook and Instagram. Keep reading:

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